Here are some statements I came up with after some thought in the last couple of days. If you are a friend of mine, you might have noticed these things about me –
“Aravind, you can be very arrogant at times”.
“Aravind, you sometimes think you are better than others, don’t you?”
“You can be so controlling Aravind.”
“You need to tone down. I know you are a zealous guy, but please stop shoving things down others throats”.
“You can’t keep your word”.
“You are a fault-finder.”
“You just want your way. You don’t even want to hear others’ opinions!”.
“You have a hidden life. People may think you are a nice Christ-follower, but you are a prideful, lustful, man who wants to please other people more than God a lot of times. Those things you speak against, you practice those very things. You have been a hypocrite”.
Do you know how many statements above would I not be able to deny, or defend?
In case you are wondering –
None. All of these are true about me.
I am guilty of these and more. If you knew my inmost thoughts, you would probably not want to meet me. I would understand that. Sometimes I think if I ever met me, I would not be able to forgive me. I would judge myself.
Know how that feels?
If someone started a court that punished people for committing arrogance, egoism and lust, I would be on trial very soon. But I actually know someone who knows every thought and action I have ever done and interestingly, His response when I pleaded guilty was to put Himself on trial and take up my punishment. Only He could do it. But He need not have done it. As a result, as I type this I can almost hear Him say –
“Pulickel, son! No charges brought against you by people shall stick to you. They are dropped only because they now stick to my Son nailed to that cross.”
And what’s more, I desire to become like Jesus. Jesus makes me live toward true change.
But on days like today, I don’t think I have lived like Jesus.. I feel like I may have ended up destroying any good growth that has happened in my life in the last 24 months. That’s how I feel when I look at the sins I have thought, said and done. Which is why I will understand if people want to hate me. When they don’t hate me in spite of knowing the things I have done, I am surprised. But when I stand beside my Saviour Jesus, and He, the perfect One loves me unconditionally, I can’t understand it. Nope ! It’s too deep to type!
How long will my soul live for selfish desires Lord?!
Please, someone help me.